Controlling the Narrative: How Abusers Twist Reality

One of the most disorienting and damaging aspects of coercive control is the way abusers manipulate truth. Through subtle lies, rewriting history, or outright denial, they gradually distort your sense of what is real. This tactic — known as controlling the narrative — is not just about dishonesty. It’s a calculated strategy to keep you off balance, compliant, and emotionally dependent.

In this blog, we’ll explore how coercive controllers rewrite reality to serve their agenda. We’ll look at the methods they use, the psychological impact on survivors, and how to begin trusting your own perception again.

Rewriting History and Denying Reality

In healthy relationships, two people can remember an event differently without invalidating each other’s experience. But in a coercively controlled relationship, the abuser often insists their version is the only truth. They may flatly deny something they said or did, even when you have proof.

They might say:

• “I never said that — you’re making things up.”

• “You’re too sensitive — it was just a joke.”

• “You’re imagining things again.”

This tactic, often called gaslighting, is not just confusion — it’s erasure. The abuser rewrites history so that you question your own memory, perception, and instincts. Over time, you may begin to doubt whether your feelings are valid at all.

By controlling the narrative, the abuser ensures that their version of reality is the dominant one. And if you challenge it? You're accused of being irrational, hysterical, or mentally unstable.

Blame-Shifting and Playing the Victim

Another hallmark of coercive control is the abuser’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of acknowledging harm, they twist the situation so that you become the problem.

They might say:

• “You’re making me act like this.”

• “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t get angry.”

• “You’re the abusive one — look how upset you make me.”

By playing the victim, the abuser shifts the blame and avoids accountability. They position themselves as misunderstood, attacked, or unfairly criticised — while you are left confused, apologising, and trying harder to please.

This dynamic creates a powerful emotional trap. You may begin to believe that you are the one who is toxic or harmful. You work harder to avoid conflict, manage their moods, and repair the relationship — all while they continue to control the story.

Creating Confusion and Doubt

Confusion is a deliberate tool in the coercive controller’s arsenal. The more uncertain you feel, the easier you are to control. By giving mixed messages, contradicting themselves, or constantly changing the "rules," the abuser keeps you guessing — and keeps themselves in power.

For example:

• They might praise you one day, then criticise you the next — for the exact same behaviour.

• They may tell you one thing in private, then deny it in front of others.

• They could claim to love and protect you, while isolating and belittling you.

This creates what's known as cognitive dissonance — the mental discomfort that arises when reality and narrative don’t align. To ease this discomfort, many victims begin to rationalise or minimise the abuse: Maybe it’s just stress. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it is my fault.

Eventually, the abuser doesn’t even need to lie — you’ve internalised the doubt so deeply that you do it to yourself.

The Cost to Your Sense of Self

Living in a manipulated reality takes an enormous toll. Over time, your trust in yourself — your memory, emotions, instincts — begins to erode. Survivors often describe feeling like they’re “going mad” or “losing touch with reality.”

This erosion of self-trust is precisely the goal of coercive control. When you no longer feel confident in your own perception, it becomes harder to resist, leave, or even name what’s happening as abuse.

Common effects include:

• Chronic self-doubt

• Anxiety and confusion

• Emotional numbness

• Difficulty making decisions

• Inability to trust others

It’s not just your reality that has been controlled — it’s your identity. And rebuilding that identity takes time, support, and compassionate validation from safe, trustworthy people.

Final Thoughts

When an abuser controls the narrative, they do more than lie — they steal your reality. This distortion is designed to keep you confused, small, and silent. It serves their need for power and avoids the vulnerability of accountability.

But here’s the truth: if it felt wrong, it was. Your feelings, your memories, your instincts — they are valid. You don’t need someone else to confirm your reality. It’s already within you.

Recovery from coercive control begins with reclaiming your voice and your truth. Every time you listen to your instincts, speak your truth, or even name the abuse for what it was, you take a step toward freedom. You rewrite the story — and this time, you’re the author.