The Psychology Behind Coercive Control: Why Abusers Need Power

Coercive control is not just about manipulation — it’s about power. For women in emotionally abusive relationships, especially with narcissistic male partners, the experience often feels like being slowly erased. The abuser chips away at autonomy, confidence, and emotional wellbeing, all in the name of dominance. But why do some individuals feel compelled to exert this level of control?

In this blog, we’ll delve into the psychological motivations that drive coercive control. By understanding the mindset of the abuser — and the emotional impact on the abused — survivors can begin to untangle the web they’ve been caught in and take meaningful steps towards freedom.

Power and Control: The Core of Abuse

At the heart of coercive control is the abuser’s need for dominance. Unlike healthy relationships, which are rooted in equality and mutual respect, coercively controlling relationships are built on a hierarchy — with one partner always above the other. For abusers, power is not just a tool; it’s a need.

This compulsion often stems from deep-seated insecurity or narcissistic traits. By controlling their partner’s actions, emotions, and social interactions, the abuser masks their own feelings of inadequacy. Control becomes a way to manage anxiety, fear of abandonment, or an inflated ego that cannot tolerate challenge.

In many cases, the controlling partner feels entitled to obedience and loyalty, seeing their partner not as an equal but as an extension of themselves. When the victim asserts independence, the abuser may interpret this as betrayal or disobedience — triggering manipulation, punishment, or further domination.

Insecurity, Narcissism, and Fear of Vulnerability

Though coercive control is abusive, it’s often rooted in emotional fragility. Narcissistic individuals, in particular, have an inflated sense of self-importance but are emotionally brittle beneath the surface. They crave admiration and validation but struggle with emotional intimacy, empathy, and accountability.

To avoid vulnerability, they establish control over their environment — and their partner. If they can control how you feel, what you do, and who you see, they can avoid feelings of uncertainty or rejection. This isn’t an excuse for the abuse, but it does help explain why they resort to such extreme tactics.

Common traits among coercive controllers include:

• A deep need for admiration

• A hypersensitivity to criticism

• An inability to handle disagreement or boundaries

• Jealousy and possessiveness disguised as love

• Fear of abandonment or exposure

These traits lead to behaviours designed to make the partner feel small, dependent, and unsure of themselves — all to keep the abuser emotionally safe and in control.

The Cycle of Control and Dependency

Coercive control often starts subtly. The abuser might initially appear charming, attentive, or even protective. But over time, these “loving” behaviours morph into surveillance, micromanagement, and emotional punishment. Compliments become criticisms. “Caring” turns into control.

As the relationship progresses, the victim becomes more dependent — emotionally, financially, socially. The abuser may isolate them from friends and family, discourage their career ambitions, or make them doubt their own judgement. This creates a psychological trap: the more disempowered the victim becomes, the harder it is to leave.

This dependency is not accidental. It’s a deliberate outcome of the abuser’s need to remain central and superior. They may cycle between affection and punishment — known as intermittent reinforcement — which keeps the victim longing for approval and fearing rejection. It's a dynamic that mirrors addiction, where the victim is constantly chasing the fleeting highs of validation while suffering the lows of criticism and control.

The Emotional Toll on Survivors

Being in a coercively controlling relationship slowly dismantles a woman’s sense of self. Over time, she may experience:

• Confusion about what’s real or who she is

• Feelings of worthlessness or shame

• A chronic sense of failure or guilt

• Fear of expressing needs or disagreeing

• Emotional numbness or exhaustion

These are not personal failings — they are the logical result of sustained psychological abuse. Survivors often describe feeling like they lost themselves completely, no longer recognising the person they’ve become under the weight of control.

Healing begins by understanding that this loss of self was not your fault. It was the consequence of a system designed to erode your autonomy, and the first step in recovery is recognising it for what it is: a misuse of power, not a reflection of your worth.

Final Thoughts

Coercive control is not about love — it’s about dominance. The abuser's need for power is often rooted in insecurity, narcissism, and emotional immaturity. While they may appear confident and in control, they are often deeply fearful of vulnerability and rejection. This fear drives their need to control every aspect of their partner’s life.

Understanding the psychology behind coercive control can empower survivors to shift blame away from themselves and begin reclaiming their sense of agency.

You are not weak for being controlled — you were targeted by someone who needed to feel powerful at your expense. But recovery is possible. And knowledge is the first step toward freedom.