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The Roots of Codependency: Understanding Its Origins
- Sharon Walker
- May 4
- 4 min read
Codependency doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It often grows in the shadows—quietly developing over years of unmet emotional needs, learned survival patterns, and complex relational dynamics. While many people recognise codependency by its behaviours in adulthood—people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, self-sacrifice—the roots often run far deeper.
To truly understand and begin to heal from codependency, we must explore its origins. Looking back isn’t about blame—it’s about clarity. It’s about understanding why we became who we are, so we can decide who we want to become next.
Childhood Influence and Family Dynamics
Codependency often starts in childhood. Our earliest relationships—particularly with parents or primary caregivers—shape the way we see ourselves and how we relate to others. In healthy families, children are encouraged to express emotions, make mistakes, assert their needs, and feel safe doing so. But in dysfunctional or emotionally unhealthy environments, a very different story unfolds.
Children raised in chaotic, neglectful, or unpredictable households often learn to adapt in order to survive. This might mean becoming hyper-responsible, emotionally attuned to others’ moods, or striving for perfection to avoid punishment or rejection. In such families, love may have felt conditional—based on performance, obedience, or usefulness—rather than unconditional acceptance of the child as they are.
Some common family dynamics that contribute to codependency include:
Addiction or mental illness in a caregiver: When a parent struggles with substance use, depression, or emotional instability, children often step into caregiving roles far too early. They learn to monitor others’ behavior and suppress their own needs.
Enmeshment: In some families, boundaries between members are blurred. A child may feel responsible for a parent's emotions, problems, or happiness—leading to emotional over-identification and guilt for expressing autonomy.
Neglect or emotional unavailability: If caregivers are emotionally absent or preoccupied, children may internalise the belief that they must earn love and attention by being useful, good, or invisible.
High-conflict or abusive environments: In homes where there is yelling, violence, or control, children may learn that keeping the peace is more important than speaking their truth. They become adept at de-escalating situations, reading cues, and avoiding confrontation—skills that can become maladaptive in adult relationships.
Over time, these children may develop a belief system that says: “My needs don’t matter.” Or “If I take care of everyone else, maybe someone will take care of me.” These beliefs, if left unchallenged, can carry into every relationship in adulthood.
The Role of Emotional Neglect
While physical abuse and overt dysfunction are more obvious red flags, emotional neglect is a quieter, but equally damaging contributor to codependency. Emotional neglect occurs when a child’s emotional needs are routinely ignored, minimised, or invalidated—not necessarily out of cruelty, but often because the caregiver lacks emotional awareness themselves.
This type of neglect leaves a child feeling unseen, unsupported, and emotionally alone.
You may have grown up in a home where:
Expressing sadness or anger was discouraged (“Stop crying, you’re fine.”)
Emotional conversations never happened
Vulnerability was viewed as weakness
Love was shown through actions, but not through emotional presence or words
As a result, emotionally neglected children often grow up unsure of how to identify or express their own feelings. They might not trust their emotional instincts, and instead focus outward—trying to manage how others feel in order to feel safe themselves.
When emotional needs are unmet in childhood, people often enter adulthood with a deep sense of emptiness, anxiety, or confusion about what they truly want or need. This internal void drives many codependent behaviours, such as:
Over-giving to feel worthy
Seeking validation through relationships
Losing themselves in others to avoid abandonment
Feeling guilt or shame for having needs at all
Because their own needs were never validated, codependent individuals may find it difficult to prioritise self-care or ask for help. They become skilled at taking care of others but remain disconnected from their own inner world.
Healing from emotional neglect means learning how to reconnect with yourself—your emotions, your desires, your voice. It means reparenting the parts of you that were ignored or silenced and giving yourself the care you may never have received.
Attachment Styles and Their Connection to Codependency
Attachment theory offers a powerful lens through which to understand codependency. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory describes how early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations in adult relationships.
There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment – Comfort with intimacy and autonomy. Trusting, balanced relationships.
Anxious Attachment – Preoccupation with relationships. Fear of abandonment. Clinginess.
Avoidant Attachment – Discomfort with closeness. Emotionally distant. High value on independence.
Disorganised Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often linked to trauma or abuse.
Many individuals with codependent patterns fall into the anxiously attached category. These individuals often fear being alone or unloved and may go to great lengths to keep others close—even if it means tolerating disrespect, over-functioning in the relationship, or suppressing their own needs.
Common behaviours in anxiously attached/codependent individuals include:
Overanalysing relationships
Constant need for reassurance
Difficulty trusting that others will stay
Intense emotional highs and lows based on others’ behaviour
However, some codependent people may also show avoidant tendencies—shutting down emotions, over-functioning to feel in control, or avoiding true intimacy because it feels too vulnerable.
Understanding your attachment style can be a key part of breaking codependent patterns. It helps explain why you react the way you do in relationships—and gives you the insight needed to begin choosing differently.
A Compassionate Path Forward
Codependency isn’t about weakness or neediness. It’s about adaptation—about ways you learned to survive emotionally when your environment didn’t meet your needs. These coping mechanisms were once protective. The problem is, they often become cages.
The good news is that codependency is not a life sentence. With self-awareness, support, and intentional healing, you can unlearn these patterns. You can create healthy boundaries, develop emotional resilience, and build relationships that honor your needs as much as others’.
Healing starts with curiosity—not judgment. It begins when you ask: What did I learn about love? About myself? About safety? And it continues with the brave decision to rewrite that story, because you deserve to be in relationships where you’re not just needed—but truly known.
