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The Link Between People-Pleasing and Codependency
- Sharon Walker
- May 4
- 4 min read
At first glance, people-pleasing might appear to be a harmless or even admirable quality. After all, being kind, accommodating, and helpful are socially rewarded behaviours. But when these tendencies become chronic, compulsive, and self-sacrificing, they often point to something deeper: codependency.
Codependency is not just about needing others—it's about needing to be needed. And one of the most recognisable features of codependency is the drive to please others, often at the expense of one's own needs, boundaries, and identity.
Understanding the link between people-pleasing and codependency is essential for those on a path toward emotional healing, authenticity, and healthy relationships.
People-Pleasing: A Key Feature of Codependency
People-pleasing is more than just being nice. It’s a pattern of behaviour rooted in fear, shame, and the desire for approval. It often manifests as putting others’ needs above your own, saying “yes” when you mean “no,” and moulding your personality to avoid rejection or conflict.
In codependent dynamics, people-pleasing becomes a survival strategy. It is a way to feel safe, valued, and connected—but it’s also a way to avoid the discomfort of abandonment, criticism, or confrontation. For many, this behaviour develops early in life, particularly in families where love was conditional or where emotional roles were reversed.
Common signs of people-pleasing within codependent relationships include:
Agreeing to things you don’t want to do to keep the peace
Constantly worrying about others’ feelings while ignoring your own
Feeling guilty for having needs or taking time for yourself
Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when something hurts you
Taking responsibility for others’ happiness or well-being
Feeling worthless or anxious when you’re not helping someone
The people-pleasing/codependency connection isn’t just about behaviour—it’s about identity. Codependent individuals often derive their self-worth from being needed, wanted, or useful. If they’re not pleasing others, they feel lost, anxious, or unlovable.
Over time, this erodes self-esteem, diminishes authenticity, and creates one-sided relationships built on performance rather than genuine connection.
The Need for Validation and Approval
At the heart of people-pleasing and codependency lies a deep need for validation and approval. This need is often born from early experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, or trauma—where a child learns that being “good” or helpful is the only way to receive attention, love, or safety.
When a child’s emotional needs aren’t met consistently, they may start to believe:
“If I meet everyone else’s needs, maybe they’ll meet mine.”
“If I’m perfect and agreeable, I won’t be rejected.”
“If I make people happy, I’ll be worthy of love.”
These beliefs don’t just fade with age. Without healing, they become the subconscious scripts that drive adult relationships. As a result, codependent people often feel compelled to keep others happy in order to feel emotionally secure.
This reliance on external validation creates an ongoing cycle:
You seek approval by pleasing others.
You suppress your own needs to avoid disapproval.
You feel resentful, unseen, or exhausted.
You double down on pleasing behaviour to avoid guilt.
And around it goes.
What makes this cycle so painful is that no amount of external validation ever feels like enough. Because the root issue isn’t whether other people approve of you—it’s whether you approve of yourself. Without internal self-worth, you’re always at the mercy of others’ opinions, moods, and expectations.
This dynamic can also make it difficult to recognise unhealthy or abusive relationships. When your self-esteem hinges on keeping others happy, you’re less likely to speak up, advocate for yourself, or walk away. You may confuse love with dependency, or connection with control.
Breaking Free from the Pleaser Role
Letting go of the people-pleasing identity isn’t easy—especially if it’s been your default mode for years or even decades. It can feel unfamiliar, even terrifying, to prioritise your own needs or disappoint others. But healing from codependency requires a shift from external focus to internal alignment.
Here are some key steps to breaking free from the pleaser role:
A. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Begin by noticing your people-pleasing behaviours without judgment. When do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”? When do you hide your true feelings or opinions? What situations trigger your anxiety about being liked or accepted?
Awareness is the foundation of change. You can’t heal what you don’t first recognise.
B. Reclaim Your Needs and Voice
Start asking yourself:
What do I want?
What feels right to me?
How do I feel about this situation?
It might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you’re used to checking in with everyone else’s preferences first. But building this internal compass is essential for establishing boundaries, honouring your truth, and living with integrity.
C. Learn to Set Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls—they are bridges that connect people in healthy, respectful ways. Setting boundaries allows you to protect your energy, voice your needs, and create mutuality in relationships.
You can start with simple, direct statements like:
“I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
“I need some time to think about it.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
Expect some resistance—especially from people who benefitted from your compliance. But remember: other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for managing their emotions or approval.
D. Tolerate Discomfort
Healing from people-pleasing often involves tolerating short-term discomfort for long-term growth. This might include feeling guilty, selfish, or anxious when you first start prioritising yourself. That’s okay. These feelings are not a sign you’re doing something wrong—they’re a sign you’re breaking old patterns.
Over time, as you build emotional resilience, those uncomfortable feelings will fade, and be replaced by a deeper sense of peace, confidence, and freedom.
E. Rebuild Self-Worth from Within
Ultimately, breaking the people-pleasing/codependency cycle means learning to validate yourself. Practice self-compassion, speak kindly to yourself, and affirm your right to have needs, desires, and boundaries.
You might try:
Journaling your thoughts and feelings daily
Engaging in activities that bring you joy without needing to perform for others
Surrounding yourself with safe, supportive people who respect your boundaries
Working with a therapist or support group focused on codependency recovery
Conclusion: You Are More Than What You Do for Others
People-pleasing may have once kept you safe, connected, or accepted—but now, it may be holding you back. When your worth depends on the approval of others, you sacrifice your authenticity, voice, and well-being.
Breaking free from the pleaser role is not about becoming unkind or selfish. It’s about becoming whole. It’s about learning that you matter, even when you’re not helping, fixing, or smoothing things over.
