Self-Blame and Shame: Unpacking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

Sharon Walker
May 8
4 min read

One of the most painful legacies of emotional abuse—especially from a narcissistic partner—is the lasting voice inside your head that tells you it was your fault. That you weren’t good enough. That if only you’d done more, been more, or said less, things would have been different.

This is the voice of self-blame, shaped by shame and internalised over years of gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional neglect. For women with Complex PTSD, this internal critic becomes relentless. It undermines self-esteem, sabotages healing, and keeps you stuck in a cycle of guilt and unworthiness.

But this voice isn’t your truth—it’s a wound. And it can be healed.

In this blog, we’ll explore how self-blame and shame take root in Complex PTSD, how the inner critic is formed in narcissistic relationships, and how to begin softening that voice so you can reclaim compassion for yourself.

The Roots of Self-Blame in Narcissistic Abuse

In narcissistic relationships, especially those involving gaslighting and emotional abuse, the abuser systematically shifts blame onto their partner. You may have heard things like:

“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“If you weren’t so needy, I wouldn’t act this way.”

These messages are designed to erode your reality. Over time, you begin to question your instincts, minimise your pain, and turn against yourself.

Self-blame serves a survival function: if you believe you’re the problem, it feels like you might be able to fix it—by being better, quieter, more accommodating. But this only deepens the trauma and keeps you entangled in a toxic dynamic.

Eventually, even after leaving the relationship, the blame lingers. It becomes an inner narrative: “I let this happen,” “I’m broken,” “I should’ve known better.” These thoughts are not facts—they are trauma echoes.

Understanding Shame and the Inner Critic

Shame is more than guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.”

Narcissistic abuse instils shame by invalidating your emotions, needs, and identity. You may have learned that your feelings were burdensome, that asking for respect made you difficult, or that standing up for yourself invited punishment.

Over time, these experiences form the inner critic—a harsh internal voice that:

Condemns your mistakes
Minimises your achievements
Undermines your confidence
Keeps you quiet, small, and apologetic

The inner critic is often a blend of your abuser’s voice and unresolved childhood dynamics. It tells you that you’re not worthy of love unless you earn it—by pleasing, fixing, or sacrificing yourself.

Recognising the Inner Critic in Action

You might not immediately recognise your inner critic—it often hides in seemingly rational thoughts. Here are some examples of how it shows up:

Perfectionism: “I can’t rest until I get it all right.”
People-pleasing: “If I say no, they’ll stop caring about me.”
Self-silencing: “No one wants to hear about my problems.”
Harsh self-talk: “I’m so stupid for trusting him.”
Comparing yourself: “Everyone else seems to be doing better than me.”

These patterns keep you emotionally depleted and disconnected from your true self. They are learned responses, not personal failings.

How to Challenge and Soften the Inner Critic

Healing from shame and self-blame means learning to recognise the inner critic—and respond with compassion instead of compliance.

1. Name the Voice

Start by noticing when the critical voice speaks. You might journal it or simply pause and ask:

“Whose voice is this?”
“Is this thought helping me or harming me?”
“Would I say this to a loved one?”

Naming the critic creates space between you and it. This separation is key.

2. Meet Yourself with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. It doesn’t mean excusing everything—it means understanding the context behind your choices and treating yourself with kindness.

ry saying:

“I did the best I could with what I knew then.”
“It makes sense I responded that way in a traumatic situation.”
“I was trying to survive—and I did.”

You deserved care and protection. It’s not your fault that someone abused your trust.

3. Reparenting the Wounded Self

The inner critic often formed in childhood. You may have internalised harsh messages from emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers.

Reparenting involves becoming the nurturing adult you needed:

Offer yourself encouragement and comfort
Set boundaries with your own negative thoughts
Prioritise your needs and feelings as valid
Celebrate progress, no matter how small

You’re not too much. You’re not broken. You’re healing.

4. Replace Shame with Affirming Truths

Gently counter shame-based thoughts with affirming truths. These are not forced “positive vibes”—they’re grounded acknowledgements of your inherent worth.

Examples:

“My pain matters, even if others dismissed it.”
“I’m not to blame for someone else’s abuse.”
“I am learning to trust myself again.”
“It is safe to speak my truth now.”

Repeat them often, especially when shame flares up. These truths will begin to feel more real over time.

5. Therapeutic Support

Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you uncover the roots of shame and untangle yourself from self-blame. Therapies like EMDR, parts work (IFS), or somatic therapy can be especially helpful in healing Complex PTSD.

You don’t have to silence the critic alone. There is power in being seen and supported.

Final Thoughts

If you hear a voice inside saying you’re not enough, know this: it was planted there. By people who were too broken or self-absorbed to see your light.

But you are not too broken to heal.

The shame you carry is not yours to hold. The blame belongs to the one who harmed you—not to the version of you that survived.

You are worthy of kindness, patience, and peace. As you learn to meet yourself with love instead of criticism, the voice of shame will soften—and the truth of your strength will rise.

You are not the voice in your head. You are the soul learning to speak back.